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AOC legislation to ban fireworks as “An outward expression of support for all things Trump."
(Washington, D.C.) Today, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has decided to introduce legislation banning fireworks nationwide since they are an obvious, blatant, in your face expression of support for all things Trump.
Said an insider:
“After studying the subject, AOC has decided to introduce in the near future, legislation that will ban the manufacture, sale, transport or possession of fireworks of any and all types in all 50 states and territories since they are expressions of all things Trump.”
“We know that at the previous presidents inauguration, he enjoyed watching a waste of taxpayers money to the tune of millions and his supporters took notice. That money would have been better off being donated to worthy causes such as BLM and others.”
“His supporters have used the 4thof July to exhibit this unbridled expression of support and it must be banned. We cannot allow this support to continue. We've already gotten the flags, the statues and so on. If American Trump supporters can't give up this fireworks tradition, we democrats have to take it through comprehensive legislation.”
“If you want to do something constructive on the 4th of July, eat lots of hot dogs. This administration is saving you money on them to the tune of sixteen cents. That's just this year. Next year it might be up to twenty cents. The more you eat, the more you save.”
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Nancy Pelosi credits satire and parody sites for current Democratic Party platform
(Washington, D.C) In an unofficial meeting, Nancy Pelosi has confirmed what many of us already suspected. Without parody and satire sites on the net, the Democratic Party would have a normal looking platform. From the conversation:
“You know, sitting around in committee trying to think of ways to ruin America so it can be rebuilt in a glorious socialist/communist structure, with us at the top, of course, is difficult work. There is only so much stupid stuff we can think of. While we eat $14 or $15 ice cream, I'm not sure of the cost, I have my people take care of that, we actually run out of ideas.”
“When that happens, we turn to the “hot sheets”, or satire/parody sites for ideas. Their writings are usually so over the top and ridiculous people laugh at the stories, we look at those and think, you know, if we tweak this, take that out, enhance this, we can draft legislation buried in legalese and gobblygook that no one, even the people who wrote it can understand, bury a paragraph here, another one there, put them into innocuous 3,000 page legislation no one reads, and the first thing you know, it looks like those sites have predicted the future, which, in a way, they created.”
“Without them, we'd look like a normal party, so, thank you”.
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Jehovah's Witnesses may train and assist Oregon National Guard in door to door vaccine push.
As a further addendum to todays announcement by Oregon health officials, Jason Davis, Public Information Officer with Lane County Public Health further stated Oregon is looking at the possibility of hiring Jehovah's Witnesses to train, assist and accompany Oregon National Guardsmen going door to door so the guardsmen can learn the subtle techniques of persuasion.
The statement reads in part;
"I don't think anyone in American can deny the Jehovah's Witnesses are relentless in their pursuit and once you open your door to them it's almost impossible to get rid of them."
"We feel by giving classroom and on the job training to our guardsmen, they'll be better equipped to not take no for an answer when someone refuses the vaccine."
"Witnesses will make initial contact, and backed by armed, masked guardsmen who are watching and learning, the lesson will be after hours of being told no, with unyielding persuasion, the individual will relent and get the shot."
"Should the individual still not get the shot, the guard may take over. We will get to 100% vaccination one way or the other. We still advise that even after the shot, masks and social distancing will still be required.".
When asked by a reporter how this action jibes with the American concept of "My body, My choice", the response was, "This isn't America. This is Oregon".
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Representative Rashida Tlaib announces switch. "Republicans more in line with my core values".
In a surprise announcement today, Representative Rashida Tlaib (R-MI) has anounced she is switching from the Democratic Party to the Republican Party because it's more in line with her core value of defunding the police. Her statement reads in part:
"After recent revelations it's actually the Republicans calling for the defunding of police, I have decided, after much deliberation, to switch parties. The Republicans fall more in line with my core values of defunding the police, DHS, CPB and ICE."
The icing on the cake was when Jen Psaki confirmed at her press briefing it was in fact Republicans at the forefront of this movement."
"It hurts from the standpoint I've been a staunch Democrat all my life but after trying for years to get Democrats to defund, I find it was the opposition all along who was pushing my viewpoint."
"I'm willing to become a squad of one to lead the charge to enact this noble cause. I hope my new ally, Mitch McConnell, will give me his full support.
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CNN's Jim Acosta working on huge breaking Trump story
After being out of the limelight since the inauguration of President Biden, CNN's Jim Acosta confirms he is now working on a breaking story regarding the background of former President Trump.
Said his spokesbirthingperson, "We know Jim hasn't been seen or heard from much since President Biden, the shining example of government competence, was inaugurated, but that doesn't mean he hasn't not been not busy. He just wants everyone to know he is continuing to dig into the former presidents past and has uncovered shocking information.
""It appears from intensive interviews with his former kindergarten teacher, as well as his former kindergarten classmates, Trump was given unprecedented permission to actually color outside the lines during his art class. While they were held to the rigorous standard of staying in the lines, former classmates claim it's only Trump's white supremacy, flaunting of wealth and his obvious disdain for the rule of law that allowed him to get away with this serious transgression."
"It is inconceivable someone with this amount of contempt for authority would wind up as the ultimate authority responsible for the rule of law which he obviously learned to ignore at an early age."
"We know this is a story Americans care deeply about and we will consult with Adam Shiff to ensure this charge is brought up in Trumps next impeachment hearing."
"I'm just disappointed President Biden hasn't sniffed my hair yet but I'm holding out hope".
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Pelosi to form Congressional MMA fighting team to fend off peaceful protestors.
(Washington, D.C.) In light of Nancy Pelosi's statement she would have fought off the January 6 protesters being quoted as saying, “I'm a street fighter”, she is making a formal request to form a MMA team comprised solely of congressional democrats to fight off any further peaceful protests at the Capital, should they occur.
An anonymous source familiar with the situation made the following statement:
“This organization will be a 4th level of defense should peaceful protesters invade and enter the capital after being cordially invited in. A fence is the first line, armed National Guard troops will be the second line, armed Capital Police will be the third line and we will be the last line of defense. These people think they can enter the Capital, and using weapons of mass destruction, mainly cameras to take selfies while they smile, we'll be ready to pounce”.
“Our defense will be the use of democrat logic and reasoning against heathen conservatives who have this mis-guided mindset that we somehow work for them. How constitutional republic of them. Should that fail, and we anticipate it will since conservatives have no idea how we think, and to be honest, we have no idea how we think, we will not be afraid to get physical and mix it up. My punch is so strong I can almost bend a piece of paper, and that's after only a week of training”.
Developing...
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Michigan Governor Whitmer blames Florida for covid outbreak in her state
(Lansing, MI.) A source close to Governor Whitmer of Michigan has confirmed the Governor is privately blaming Florida for the Covid outbreak in her state.
“I simply can't believe Florida would open up and grant their citizens the freedom to move about without masks or social distancing, leaving those decisions to the people. That is irresponsible leadership”.
“Michigan had hundred of thousands, possibly millions of spring breakers who went to Florida to participate in spring break activities in Daytona Beach, Miami, Destin, Pensacola Beach and other locations without the Florida state government demanding masks and social distancing. We had things firmly under control until this disaster”.
“It's obvious these students became infected while there, and returned home before they became contagious and once here, caused the new outbreak that's occurring”.
“In the interest of bi-partisanship, and to help open states help closed states, we believe it's in the best interest of society in general, and our hold on power specifically, to have open states lock down, demand masking and social distancing and to prevent the independent movement of their citizens until those in charge, or the esteemed Dr. Fauci, decide otherwise”.
Developing..
DISCLAIMER: The stories on this page are not true and exist only in the demented mind of the author.
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Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT) decries lack of Republican “America First” candidate to counter Biden
(Washington, D.C.) In a low-key statement issued this morning, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) decried the lack of a Republican “America First” candidate to offset President Biden's current policies.
“I'm confident, if the Republicans could find someone who is willing to put America First, who is willing to accept immigrants at the southern border, but in an organized way, making sure they're vetted before entry, who is willing to deal with America's allies as friends and Americas enemies as adversaries, and who will negotiate fair trade policies with both, who is willing to restart manufacturing in America, who is willing to treat our police and other first responders with the respect they deserve, and who is willing to support minorities in poverty stricken cities, Republican leadership could get behind, and fully support, such a candidate, 100%”.
“President Biden, who is putting in long hours and doing an admirable job, I think is falling just short of what is required to get America back on track. While he is kick starting the American economy in an organized and thoughtful way, Republicans need to find someone who knows how to do it faster and more efficiently”.
“The fact Republicans don't have, and cannot find, such a candidate is disheartening.”
“In short, we need to find a candidate who loves America as much as I do”.
Developing...
DISCLAIMER: The stories on this page are not true and exist only in the demented mind of the author.
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President Biden will clarify his executive order regarding gun control
(Washington, D.C.) With conservatives raising questions regarding the recent Executive Order regarding gun restrictions signed by President Biden asking how this will affect the plethora of guns that exist in high crime cities, President Biden will issue a statement to ally those fears. An anonymous spokesman familiar with the statement issued the following release:
“President Biden is aware of conservative concerns and is working around the clock to provide an effective solution to a perceived problem”.
“He intends to fund a program to be implemented in high crime areas, such as the South Side of Chicago and other cities such as Atlanta, Los Angeles, St. Louis, Baltimore and so on which will provide anonymous drop boxes for community members to drop off their illegal guns with no questions asked”.
“These drop boxes will be personed by unarmed social workers 24/7/365 so there will be no physical threat to the community when they show up with guns and will thus feel safe doing so”.
“We realize there may be an occasional situation which will arise at these drop boxes, so we're going to provide the social workers with a non-emergency police number to call in case of trouble. The police will then be instructed to arrive with bouncy houses and other carnival attractions to turn a potentially bad situation into a joyous community affair”.
“We're convinced community members in these high crime areas want to be productive members of society and look forward to a high level of compliance”.
Developing..
Kirsten Gillibrand (NY-D) redefines dementia to be “Progressive Forward Thinking”
(Washington, D.C.) It has been confirmed Democratic Senator from New York, Kirsten Gillibrand, is working on a statement that will redefine dementia to mean “Progressive Forward Thinking” according to a source familiar with the situation. He spoke off the record:
“Democrats have a long history of re-defining terms to serve their goals, such as womens health for abortion and gun safety for gun control. Much as Senator Gillibrand has also re-defined infrastructure to include child care, paid leave and caregiving, she thinks it is now time to redefine dementia”.
“As you can see when President Biden speaks, sometimes he appears to speak clearly before his speech degenerates into apparent mumble jumble, with apparently unrelated statements strung together before falling into inaudible audio, usually followed by, “What am I signing?” and “Where do I look?”.
“This is not dementia. These are actually flashes of brilliance, the new “Progressive Forward Thinking”, and one doesn't have to search long to find the intelligent, nuanced way in which all these statements are connected, sending a strong message to our allies and enemies alike, “I'm in charge””.
“We're lucky to have a man like him leading the country”.
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NASA, intrigued by new “Pathway to Equitable Math Instruction”, looks forward to hiring graduates
https://campusreform.org/article?id=17070
(Houston – 4/8/21) Intrigued by a new math program called “A Pathway to Equitable Math Instruction” (Link above), being developed by the University of Oregon, an anonymous NASA official said they are looking forward to hiring graduates of this program for future engineering slots. In a statement released today, the official said:
“We find this new program especially intriguing because in NASA's history, we've been focused on making sure our engineers are especially proficient in what we're coming to realize, is a white oriented, racist math focus, which requires the correct answer to complex problems while also requiring how the correct answer was arrived at”.
“Developing a program which focuses on “opportunities for ongoing self-reflection as they seek to develop an anti-racist math practice” will allow us to see math in a new way which should help us in our engineering future featuring manned space flights to Mars and beyond”.
“We think this will add needed diversity to our engineering departments and who knows, maybe their new way of doing things will be better even without the correct answer being arrived at”.
Other unnamed government departments are also interested in more information about this new and exciting breakthrough.
Developing...
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Big tech, fearing business model collapse, reluctantly agree to allow Trump back on their sites
The CEO of YouTube has stated former President Trump will be allowed back on their platform, with Facebook likely to follow.
A spokesman, close to the decision makers, issued this anonymous statement
:
“While the decision to ban Trump was the correct one, we do have a responsibility to our shareholders and investors to provide a return on their investments. In looking at the numbers, if Trump follows through with his promise to start his own social media platform, our business models will collapse as millions of users will abandon our ultra-liberal viewpoints for the neanderthal viewpoints of the radical right, led by Trump”.
“If that happens, our CEO's may have to sell one or two, or possibly three of their houses,including their little used vacation homes, as well as having their incomes slashed from uber-millions/billions to mere millions and billions, putting them on a more level playing field with the common man. This cannot be allowed to happen”.
“We will give him his voice back provided he follows our rules to openly support President Biden and the democratic agenda of putting illegal immigrants first. We follow the government rule, that is, what we give you, we can take away so he better toe the line, again”.
More information coming as this story develops...
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MLB moves All-Star game to Denver – This is why
Following faux conservative outrage at the movement of the All-Star game from Atlanta to Denver, Major League Baseball offered the following reasoning for the move:
An anonymous spokesman with access to inside information said today, “We understand the disappointment of those in Atlanta and Cobb County at the movement of this game. We understand and sympathize with the hundreds of people of color who will lose tens of thousands of dollars due to our decision to move the game to a majority white city with more restrictive voting laws than Georgia,”
“That said, we felt moving the game to a state where the citizens are more compliant to government rule, who are more willing to be subservient to state/federal dictates, over-rides having the game in a state where the citizens are displaying a disturbing amount of independence and exerting states rights to reform their election law as they see fit, not what's in the best interest of the country”.
“We hope the citizens of Georgia will learn a valuable lesson in this, and become more open to change, or, in other words, you know, the thing”.
“We also want to remind the fans that valid picture ID will be required to get into the game”.
Developing...
