(Washington, D.C.) In light of Nancy Pelosi's statement she would have fought off the January 6 protesters being quoted as saying, “I'm a street fighter”, she is making a formal request to form a MMA team comprised solely of congressional democrats to fight off any further peaceful protests at the Capital, should they occur.
An anonymous source familiar with the situation made the following statement:
“This organization will be a 4th level of defense should peaceful protesters invade and enter the capital after being cordially invited in. A fence is the first line, armed National Guard troops will be the second line, armed Capital Police will be the third line and we will be the last line of defense. These people think they can enter the Capital, and using weapons of mass destruction, mainly cameras to take selfies while they smile, we'll be ready to pounce”.
“Our defense will be the use of democrat logic and reasoning against heathen conservatives who have this mis-guided mindset that we somehow work for them. How constitutional republic of them. Should that fail, and we anticipate it will since conservatives have no idea how we think, and to be honest, we have no idea how we think, we will not be afraid to get physical and mix it up. My punch is so strong I can almost bend a piece of paper, and that's after only a week of training”.
(Lansing, MI.) A source close to Governor Whitmer of Michigan has confirmed the Governor is privately blaming Florida for the Covid outbreak in her state.
“I simply can't believe Florida would open up and grant their citizens the freedom to move about without masks or social distancing, leaving those decisions to the people. That is irresponsible leadership”.
“Michigan had hundred of thousands, possibly millions of spring breakers who went to Florida to participate in spring break activities in Daytona Beach, Miami, Destin, Pensacola Beach and other locations without the Florida state government demanding masks and social distancing. We had things firmly under control until this disaster”.
“It's obvious these students became infected while there, and returned home before they became contagious and once here, caused the new outbreak that's occurring”.
“In the interest of bi-partisanship, and to help open states help closed states, we believe it's in the best interest of society in general, and our hold on power specifically, to have open states lock down, demand masking and social distancing and to prevent the independent movement of their citizens until those in charge, or the esteemed Dr. Fauci, decide otherwise”.
DISCLAIMER: The stories on this page are not true and exist only in the demented mind of the author.
(Washington, D.C.) In a low-key statement issued this morning, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) decried the lack of a Republican “America First” candidate to offset President Biden's current policies.
“I'm confident, if the Republicans could find someone who is willing to put America First, who is willing to accept immigrants at the southern border, but in an organized way, making sure they're vetted before entry, who is willing to deal with America's allies as friends and Americas enemies as adversaries, and who will negotiate fair trade policies with both, who is willing to restart manufacturing in America, who is willing to treat our police and other first responders with the respect they deserve, and who is willing to support minorities in poverty stricken cities, Republican leadership could get behind, and fully support, such a candidate, 100%”.
“President Biden, who is putting in long hours and doing an admirable job, I think is falling just short of what is required to get America back on track. While he is kick starting the American economy in an organized and thoughtful way, Republicans need to find someone who knows how to do it faster and more efficiently”.
“The fact Republicans don't have, and cannot find, such a candidate is disheartening.”
“In short, we need to find a candidate who loves America as much as I do”.
DISCLAIMER: The stories on this page are not true and exist only in the demented mind of the author.
(Washington, D.C.) With conservatives raising questions regarding the recent Executive Order regarding gun restrictions signed by President Biden asking how this will affect the plethora of guns that exist in high crime cities, President Biden will issue a statement to ally those fears. An anonymous spokesman familiar with the statement issued the following release:
“President Biden is aware of conservative concerns and is working around the clock to provide an effective solution to a perceived problem”.
“He intends to fund a program to be implemented in high crime areas, such as the South Side of Chicago and other cities such as Atlanta, Los Angeles, St. Louis, Baltimore and so on which will provide anonymous drop boxes for community members to drop off their illegal guns with no questions asked”.
“These drop boxes will be personed by unarmed social workers 24/7/365 so there will be no physical threat to the community when they show up with guns and will thus feel safe doing so”.
“We realize there may be an occasional situation which will arise at these drop boxes, so we're going to provide the social workers with a non-emergency police number to call in case of trouble. The police will then be instructed to arrive with bouncy houses and other carnival attractions to turn a potentially bad situation into a joyous community affair”.
“We're convinced community members in these high crime areas want to be productive members of society and look forward to a high level of compliance”.
(Washington, D.C.) It has been confirmed Democratic Senator from New York, Kirsten Gillibrand, is working on a statement that will redefine dementia to mean “Progressive Forward Thinking” according to a source familiar with the situation. He spoke off the record:
“Democrats have a long history of re-defining terms to serve their goals, such as womens health for abortion and gun safety for gun control. Much as Senator Gillibrand has also re-defined infrastructure to include child care, paid leave and caregiving, she thinks it is now time to redefine dementia”.
“As you can see when President Biden speaks, sometimes he appears to speak clearly before his speech degenerates into apparent mumble jumble, with apparently unrelated statements strung together before falling into inaudible audio, usually followed by, “What am I signing?” and “Where do I look?”.
“This is not dementia. These are actually flashes of brilliance, the new “Progressive Forward Thinking”, and one doesn't have to search long to find the intelligent, nuanced way in which all these statements are connected, sending a strong message to our allies and enemies alike, “I'm in charge””.
“We're lucky to have a man like him leading the country”.
(Houston – 4/8/21) Intrigued by a new math program called “A Pathway to Equitable Math Instruction” (Link above), being developed by the University of Oregon, an anonymous NASA official said they are looking forward to hiring graduates of this program for future engineering slots. In a statement released today, the official said:
“We find this new program especially intriguing because in NASA's history, we've been focused on making sure our engineers are especially proficient in what we're coming to realize, is a white oriented, racist math focus, which requires the correct answer to complex problems while also requiring how the correct answer was arrived at”.
“Developing a program which focuses on “opportunities for ongoing self-reflection as they seek to develop an anti-racist math practice” will allow us to see math in a new way which should help us in our engineering future featuring manned space flights to Mars and beyond”.
“We think this will add needed diversity to our engineering departments and who knows, maybe their new way of doing things will be better even without the correct answer being arrived at”.
Other unnamed government departments are also interested in more information about this new and exciting breakthrough.
The CEO of YouTube has stated former President Trump will be allowed back on their platform, with Facebook likely to follow.
A spokesman, close to the decision makers, issued this anonymous statement
“While the decision to ban Trump was the correct one, we do have a responsibility to our shareholders and investors to provide a return on their investments. In looking at the numbers, if Trump follows through with his promise to start his own social media platform, our business models will collapse as millions of users will abandon our ultra-liberal viewpoints for the neanderthal viewpoints of the radical right, led by Trump”.
“If that happens, our CEO's may have to sell one or two, or possibly three of their houses,including their little used vacation homes, as well as having their incomes slashed from uber-millions/billions to mere millions and billions, putting them on a more level playing field with the common man. This cannot be allowed to happen”.
“We will give him his voice back provided he follows our rules to openly support President Biden and the democratic agenda of putting illegal immigrants first. We follow the government rule, that is, what we give you, we can take away so he better toe the line, again”.
More information coming as this story develops...
Following faux conservative outrage at the movement of the All-Star game from Atlanta to Denver, Major League Baseball offered the following reasoning for the move:
An anonymous spokesman with access to inside information said today, “We understand the disappointment of those in Atlanta and Cobb County at the movement of this game. We understand and sympathize with the hundreds of people of color who will lose tens of thousands of dollars due to our decision to move the game to a majority white city with more restrictive voting laws than Georgia,”
“That said, we felt moving the game to a state where the citizens are more compliant to government rule, who are more willing to be subservient to state/federal dictates, over-rides having the game in a state where the citizens are displaying a disturbing amount of independence and exerting states rights to reform their election law as they see fit, not what's in the best interest of the country”.
“We hope the citizens of Georgia will learn a valuable lesson in this, and become more open to change, or, in other words, you know, the thing”.
“We also want to remind the fans that valid picture ID will be required to get into the game”.